"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!"
"Why is Gandalf yelling at that statue?"
Gandalf: mrrrhmmrmmmrmfff
Frodo: what?
Gandalf: oh just remembering the days of yore
Frodo: these are the days of yore
Gandalf: and I remember them so vividly
Frodo: ...
Tree: I am no tree, I am an ent!
Everyone: O_O ZOMG
Gandalf: when i was a lad i liked maples syriop
*tries to tap the tree*
Frodo: GANDALF THAT BE NO TREE
Gandalf: patience young hobbit mrrrmrmmhhmmffff
Ent: I am no tree! I am an ENT
Gandalf: mrrmmhhmmfff back in the days of yore you would stand still
Frodo: ...
Aragorn: One does not simply walk into Mordor
Gandalf: That's why I'm so thankful for the scooter store
Aragorn: ...
Gandalf: I never thought they'd be so helpful
Frodo: you don't underst-
Gandalf: they even took care of all the paperwork! now I have total mobility!!
[Fangorn Forest]
Aragorn: Gandalf! How did you survive?
Gandalf: (shows Aragorn a white pendant with a large button)
Gandalf: Life Alert saved my life! Thank you Life Alert!
[cut to a flashback of an ambulance and fire truck driving across the countryside to the Mines of Moria]
Aragorn: Everyone be careful, orcs are about
Frodo: stay close Gandalf
Gandalf: a last ye silly hobbits, im a seasoned veterenarian
Frodo: you mean veteran
Gandalf: no respect! i fought the damn nazis in 'nam... lost my damn foot
Frodo: you have both feet...
Sam: ...and those would be vietcongs
Gandalf: AND WE ****ING WON. you don't see any germaniums round here now do ya?
Aragorn: this is "middle" earth, what are you talking about
Gandalf: NO RESPECT YARRRRRR
Aragorn: If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword...
Legolas: ...and you have my bow...
Gimli: ...and my axe...
Gandalf: ...and my cane!
Boromir: You carry the fate of us all, little one. If this is indeed the will of the Council, then Gondor will see it done.
*everyone gets up to go*
Gandalf: wait
Aragorn: what's the hold up?
Gandalf: I need my cane back
Aragorn: ...
Gandalf: to get to my scooter
Boromir: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
Gandalf: Liberty Medical makes it easy!
Aragorn: We have time. Every day Frodo moves closer to Mordor.
Gandalf: Do we know that?
Aragorn: What does your heart tell you?
Gandalf: That Frodo isOH GONDOR MY HEART
Aragorn: GANDALF!
Gandalf: LOL just kidding
Gondor: We must protect the ring!
Gandalf: What ring?
Gondor: The One Ring.
Gandalf: Which ring?
Gondor: The One Ring.
Gandalf: What's the name of the ring?
Gondor: The One Ring.
Gandalf: I know it's a ring, Gondor! What's it's name?
Gondor: What name?
Gandalf: The name of the ring?
Gondor: Which Ring?
Gandalf: That one ring we have to bring into Mordor.
Gondor: That's the first thing you've said right.
Gandalf: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
Gandalf: Now, let's see... Ithildin. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight.
[doors are revealed]
Gandalf: It reads: The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter.
Merry: What d'you suppose that means?
Gandalf: Oh, it's quite simple. If you are a friend, you speak the password, and the doors will open.
Merry: Very good, on with it.
Gandalf: mmmrrmhmmrmmmmhmhhmmmffff
[doors stay still]
Merry: ...
Gandalf: mmmmrrmmhrmmhmmrhhmmm...
Merry: What are you doing?
Gandalf: oh! the days of yore.
Gandalf: HAAAAAAAALP
Frodo: Gandalf?!
Gandalf: HAAAAAAAAAAAALP
Sam: Gandalf?! What's the matter!!
Aragorn: We must get to him at once!
*the groups find Gandalf*
Gandalf: we are wasting our time with this "Ring" business
Legolas: what?!
Aragorn: explain yourself
Gandalf: CDI college is a place where they'll fix classes around your schedule!
Sam: what
Frodo: wait, there's more
Gandalf: but I also wonder if I should train to become a air conditioning specialist, or a medical aid technician... the girls who go there are hot and ditsy
Legolas: I don't like girls
Aragorn: SILENCE there's more!
Gandalf: and they even have student assistance and great job placement rates
Godfrey Jones: FOOL you have confused "senile" with "daytime TBS commercials!!" get better material
Orc: Lord Saruman, your attention is needed
Saruman: Speak quickly peon for my time is precious
Orc: It seems that there is a problem with the government
Saruman: ...what
Orc: We've received notice that our lair is "wheelchair inaccessible"
Saruman: ...
Orc: We realize this is supposed to be a base of epic proportions and inaccessible to one and all... but they have a petition-
Saruman: LET ME SEE THIS
*reads*
Saruman: Uh huh... uh huh... Goddamn that Scooter Store!
Orc: We'll begin construction on the wheelchair ramp at once.
Gandalf: Now, what are we doing again?
Frodo: Going to Mt Doom to destroy the Ring
Gandalf: Why would we destroy a ring?
Frodo: I've explained this a hundred ****ing times
Gandalf: I have to go to the bathroom.
Gandalf: Where are we going?
Frodo: To Mount Doom.
Gandalf: Oh. Look at that, they're building some houses over there.
Frodo: Yup.
Gandalf: Wow, is that a house up there on that mountain?
Frodo: Yup.
Gandalf: Where are we going?
Frodo: Still on our way to Mount Doom.
Gandalf: Oh. Well I hope we get there soon, *whispers* I need to use the restroom.
Frodo: Well, Gandalf, there's nobody else around... You can use that tree if you want. I won't look.
Gandalf: What are you talking about?
Frodo: You just said you needed to use the restroom.
Gandalf: Look at those houses they're building right over there.
Frodo: *shoots self*
Gandalf: Are we there yet?
Aragorn: No
Gandalf: Are we there yet?
Aragorn: No
Gandalf: Are we there yet?
Aragorn: No
Gandalf: ........Where are we going?
Gandalf: ;_;
Frodo: What's wrong now?!
Gandalf: These people, they're making a difference in peoples lives...
Frodo: We are fighting for the fate of the world, what bigger difference could there be?!
Gandalf: A massage therapist. Just look at the impact they have.
Frodo: ...and destroying the Ring isn't a bigger deal?
Gandalf: This "ring" business seems a little silly to me... Sauron can already amass these gigantic armies and take over the world as it is. He doesn't even have the ring and he's this powerful, what would he needed that little trinket for anyway?!
Frodo: ...but
Gandalf: but NOTHING.
Aragorn: You know, he may not be playing with a full deck, but he does raise a valid point.
Frodo: uh, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Hn? *turn around* ...Why aren't you wearing shoes?
Frodo: I never wear shoes, Gandalf.
Gandalf: *lifts up robes* Come to think of it, neither do I.
Frodo:...
Gandalf: And that's not all I don't wear
Frodo: O_o;;
Gandalf: Frodo, I need a moment with you
Frodo: Yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: You know how they say there's no wrong way to eat a Reese's?
Frodo: Yes...
Gandalf: They lied.
*Gandalf removes robes, bends over and inserts Reese's into anus...then uses his hands on his buttocks to make a chewing motion*
Frodo: GANDALF NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Gandalf: I sure hope you know where your going Frodo.
Frodo: WHAT? ME? I was following you Gandalf!
Gandalf: Well, why would you do that?
Frodo: BECAUSE YOUR THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD!
Gandalf: I am?
Frodo: YES!
Gandalf: Well, I guess I really should know where I'm going then shouldn't I?
Frodo: Again, YES!
Gandalf: Well, my furry footed friend, I guess we should be off then.
Frodo: So you know where your going?
Gandalf: Goodness no, I was following you.
Frodo: Are you kidding me?
Gandalf: My Goodness you are a very tiny man, and you have the hairiest feet I've ever seem.
Gandalf: I DID NOT COME TO BANDY CROOKED WORDS WITH ONE SUCH AS YOU, GRIMA WORMTONGUE!
Worker: I keep telling you sir, I'm your physical therapist
Gandalf: My knees are cold D:
Frodo: hey gandy
Gandalf: today is truly the darkest of days
Aragorn: .you look terrible
Sam: for the love of the shire, what happened?
Gandalf: I was enjoying my daily Reese's...
*flashback mode, Gandalf is practicing his unorthodox method when BAMF it turns into a wang*
Aragorn: what sorcery is this...
Frodo: O_O
Legolas: *vomits*
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! that has got to be the funniest s*** i ever read! i was rotflmfao! just put me in a very great mood tyvvm 
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