I'm never playing basketball again.

[Smelly old Hob]

so i was at my friends house and we were playing 'douchebag' and its like 'pig' in basketball except with more letters so my friend jim takes this ridiculous shot from across the lawn and throws the ball as hard as he can and it completely misses the hoop and smashes into the back of my car and shattered my cheap tail light and i was like 'wtf dude not again' because the thing broke like 3 other times from shopping cart related accidents and jim was like '**** man im sorry' and im like 'you better pay for that' and hes like 'how about we order food ill pay for yours' and i was like 'yea and you give me 30 bucks on top of that' so we agreed to that and jim calls up the cheesesteak place ginos and places an order and he always gives some stupid name like 'babyraper' or something and this time he was like 'yea this is jim mcmenlover' and ordered the food for him me and this kid mike and hes like 'ok you go pick it up' and i was like 'wtf im not picking it up they are gonna think i love men' and hes like 'well none of us have cars right now' because his ***** girlfriend took his car to go to the mall or something so i was like 'fine ill go but hold up i gotta take a dump' and jim was like 'wtf not in my house your not' so i was like 'fine ill crap on the side of your house' and hes like '**** you just take a dump at ginos theyve got bathrooms there' so i got in my car and headed off and like 5 minutes later a ****ing cop is on my ass and im like crap man hes gonna notice my tail light and i tried to drive as long as i could without hitting the brake but i came to a red light and had to use it so the cop must have seen that it was broken but in my experience cops always wait until the light turns green to pull you over otherwise its just awkward waiting at the red light knowing the cop is gonna pull you over so sure enough the light turns green and the cop turns on his lights and i pull over to the side of the road and this ****ing cop sat in his car for like 5 minutes before he got out and i swear they do that **** on purpose just to make people late for stuff and the whole time im about to crap my pants because jim wouldnt let me take a dump at his house so finally the cop walks up to my door and is like 'good afternoon can i see your license and registration' and im like 'yea its in my glovebox' so i reach over and open the glovebox up and right away i see the grip of an airsoft gun my dumbass friend mike left in the car three weeks ago and before i even have time to react the cop is like 'PUT YOUR ****ING HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM DON'T ****ING MOVE' and i look over and hes got his gun drawn and is pointing it right at my ****ing face and im like 'jesus christ dude its fake relax' but hes not even listening hes radioing for backup with one hand and still pointing the gun at my face with the other hand and this whole time im trying not to **** myself partially from fear of getting shot in the face and also because ive had to take a massive dump for the last half hour and then hes like 'SLOWLY reach over and open your door and step out of the car' so im trying so damn hard not to get shot in the face and i reach over to the door lock and it took my hand a good ten seconds to get there and the cop is like 'FASTER' and im like 'damn dude you just said slowly' and hes standing like 10 feet away from the door so i open the door and hes like 'slowly put your hands behind your head with your fingers interlocked' so i put my hands behind my head and i tried to say 'look dude its an airsoft gun' but he interrupted me as soon as i opened my mouth to say 'SHUT THE **** UP GET ON YOUR KNEES' so i dropped to my knees and just then two more patrol cars pull up and those cops get out with their guns drawn so now i have like 4 guns being pointed at me and the cop is like 'ok now sit on your legs' and i was like 'wtf huh' and hes like 'SIT ON YOUR LEGS' and i was like 'how am i supposed to do that' and hes like 'just lean back and squat on your legs' and by now im so freakin confused so i tried to get up and squat but every little move is making me feel like my ass is about to explode so i got off my knees and he was like 'DONT STAND UP' and i was like 'wtf man im confused' and one of the other cops is like 'just lay down on your stomach' so i did that and as soon as i did some douchebag cop runs up and jams his knee into my back and that squeezed out the biggest loudest shart i have ever done right in his face and hes like 'aw WHAT THE ****' and rips my arms back and cuffs me and two guys lift me up and slam me up against the car and one guy is like 'im gonna search your pockets is there anything sharp thats gonna cut or poke me' and i was like 'yeah theres a bunch of thumbtacks in my left pocket' and hes like 'dont be a wiseass' and they start emptying my pockets and putting my stuff on the roof of my car and theres a cop leaning into my car reaching towards the glovebox and hes like 'WHATS THIS' and pulls out the gun but as he pulled it out he could see the tip of the barrel is orange and he gets out and is like 'hey jim this isnt a real gun its a bb gun' and i was like 'i tried telling you people that' and the cop that pulled me over was like 'you should have said you had that in your glovebox before you went to open it' and i was like 'but i didnt know i swear one of my dumbass friends left it in there weeks ago' so they give me some bull**** lecture about how police officers dont know what to expect and how i shouldnt be driving around with a 'realistic looking gun' and the whole time im like hopping on one leg trying not to completely crap my pants so after the lecture they uncuffed me and the cop was like 'well i pulled you over because your passenger-side tail light is out' and i was like 'yeah i know it just broke' and the guy said he was gonna let me off with a warning and the douchebag didnt even apologize for almost blowing my head off so i got back in my car and immediately pulled into the wawa across the street to take a dump and i ran in the entrance and every step i took squeezed out a little fart all the way to the bathroom and when i got in there the toilet was so ****ing nasty it was like covered in piss and there was a lumpy mashed-potato-like turd splattered on the seat and i was like **** that im not sitting on that so i ripped down my pants and my ass just ****ing exploded all over the place and the crap came out with such force that most of it completely missed the toilet and splattered on the wall and on the ground and i had always wondered how turd always gets on the walls in bathrooms but now i know its from people like me who dont want to sit on a nasty ass toilet seat so finally im done my crap and i went to get some toilet paper and the ****ing thing was empty and usually in situations like this id use a sock but i was wearing sandals and im not one of those douchebags that wears socks with sandals so i was looking around for something to wipe with but there was nothing in this bathroom i could use so i debated waddling back into the store and taking some napkins or just taking an ass bath in the bathroom sink but then i decided that my boxers were already ruined from the police officer-tackle-induced shart so i just pulled my pants up and walked back into the store and when i walked back in there were like 5 people staring at me and i was thinking 'oh no they must have heard my sound-barrier-breaking farts coming from the bathroom' but the guy at the counter was like 'why were all those cops pointing their guns at you' and i walked right up to him and was like 'because im a dangerous mother****a' and i took three pennies from his lend-a-penny tray and walked out of the store and when i got in my car everyone in the wawa was still looking at me and i started my car and went to pull out but saw my empty light had been on so i needed to get gas but it was gonna be really awkward if i went back in to ask put money on a pump but i went back in anyway and went to the same guy at the counter who now was giving me this really weird look and i slammed a twenty dollar bill on the counter and put the three cents i took from the tray on the counter and was like 'twenty dollars and three cents on pump 7 please' and the guy didnt say anything but when i went to the gas pump he had put the money on so i put like 4 gallons into my car and drove off and i was so shook up that i almost forgot i was supposed to pick up everyones cheesesteaks from ginos like 2 hours ago so i drove to ginos and the guy at the counter was like 'sup' and im like 'uh im picking up for jim mcmenlover and hes like ‘mcmenlover huh’ and im like ‘yea’ and hes like 'didnt you order that 3 hours ago' and i was like 'yeah so' and hes like 'it got cold we threw it out like 15 minutes ago' and i was like 'goddammit i was detained by the police make my food again' and the guy was like 'hold on' and he got his manager and they went in the other room and were mumbling some crap about me and i heard one of them whisper 'he smells like ****' and i remembered i pretty much crapped my pants so after a minute the manager was like 'it will be 15 minutes' so i decided id wait outside since i smelled like i crapped my pants so i was walking around this shopping center waiting for the food to be done and i walked past this asian lady with a table with a bunch of fur coats on it and she was like 'you like coats you want buy' and im like 'no i dont like coats' and she was already lifting up a fur coat and she came towards me with it and was like 'you try coat' and i was like 'no i dont try coat no' and she kept coming towards me with the coat so i started walking away faster and i was like 'wtf get away lady i dont want your damn fur coat its like 75 degrees out' and i guess she got the message but damn what the hell man so 15 minutes go by and i went back in and got my food and drove back to my friends house but before i got there i took that airsoft gun and shoved it into mikes cheesesteak because he was the idiot that left it in my car so i put the gun in and wrapped it back up and got back to my friends house and everyone was chillin outside and they were like 'its about ****ing time dude where the **** were you why dont you pick up your ****ing phone blah blah blah' and they all grabbed their food and i started to say how the cops pulled me over because of the broken tail light and mike interrupted me and was like 'why is there a ****ing gun in my cheesesteak' and i was like 'because you ****ing left it in my car and you almost got my SHOT BY THE ****ING COPS' and hes like 'ohhhh yeah whoops my my bad dude but still wtf now i cant eat the cheesesteak' and i was like 'well thats too damn bad' and i had to put up with him *****ing about how i have to buy him another cheesesteak and nobody seemed to care that the cops almost killed me and then jim was like 'dude we must have called you like 20 times why didnt you answer' and i was like 'OH ****' because i realized the cops put my cell phone on top of my car when they were searching me and i must have left it up there so i went back with a friend to where i was pulled over and he called my phone and i couldnt believe it but i heard it ringing like 10 feet down the road and i went and got it and the thing works fine but the lid screen with the clock on it is cracked and thats why im never playing basketball again

[borlean]

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[Cyren]

I think that is the largest sentence I have ever seen.

[Tsikura]

lol. thats a dumb story haha

[Rorix]

LMAO. 20/10. Sorry that happened but damn lol.

[Thine]

OMG my sides hurt, that has got to be the worst day ever....

[Terryn]

wall of text crits you for omgwtf



you die.

[Smelly old Hob]

I guess I probably could have put a few periods somewhere in there. >_>

[Valermos]

thats a funny ass fucking story, i laughed out loud maybe 6 times, great stuff.

YOU BUY COAT.

[Buzzkill]

Good stuff man! You gotta watch ou....oh damn, i gotta take a shit!!

/run

[Sullen]

wall of text crits you for 26374574

you die

wall of text teabags you.

[Sammas]

Ahahahahahahahaha

You buy coat!

crap

cops

has everyhting, good job. Still thought its seems like a pretty typical day for you.

[Smelly old Hob]

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Borleans' wall of text crits you for 25,687 dmg

You now have ED. :'(

I think that is the largest sentence I have ever seen.

Thanks!

lol. thats a dumb story haha

LMAO. 20/10. Sorry that happened but damn lol.

Damn lol pretty much sums it up.

OMG my sides hurt, that has got to be the worst day ever....

It was definitely no picnic thats for sure.

thats a funny ass fucking story, i laughed out loud maybe 6 times, great stuff.

YOU BUY COAT.

I am glad my story could help others, thats the purpose of posting this.

Good stuff man! You gotta watch ou....oh damn, i gotta take a shit!!

/run

Thanks Freak, I know I just gotta keep on keeping on.

wall of text crits you for 26374574

you die

wall of text teabags you.

It's a little meatier than a wall, I would refer to it as a fortress of text.

Ahahahahahahahaha

You buy coat!

crap

cops

has everyhting, good job. Still thought its seems like a pretty typical day for you.

Theres a thinly veiled insult there, I am sure of it. It's just going to take me awhile to figure it out.