GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007

[Aamrie]

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007
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> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
> reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
> like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
> doing these days -- mowing my lawn.
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> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
> you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
> a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
> expect it to contain? Lobster?
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> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
> teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
> kids: "Lucky bastards."
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> New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
> a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're
> a grown man, they're pictures of men.
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> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
> about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
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> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
> of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
> Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
> some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
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> New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
> redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
> bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in
> the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
> crisis .
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> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
> If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low
> fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
> with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
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> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
> entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
> no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed
> to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
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> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
> make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
> to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
> praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
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> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
> sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
> watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
> What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's
> called "The Howard Stern Show."
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> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
> I'll go nuts and eat two.
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> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
> television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
> we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
> something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good
> enough to be a movie.
>
>
> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
> weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
> out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
> giving, it's the white people version of looting.
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> New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
> After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
> with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just
> some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just
> want to wash my hands.
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> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27
> months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
> care in the first place.
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> New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
> better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
> available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you
> want fries with that?"
>

[Tansa]

This thread is so full of win, it's made me hard.

[Severian]

Very funny, but these new rules have NOTHING to do with George Carlin. The "New Rules" is Bill Maher's bit, not Carlins, and these are a year+ old.

If you really want to see the NEW rules then goto http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/

[Jokerzwyld]

haha nice!